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Below are the 12 most recent journal entries.

 

 
  2008.06.02  03.15
LOve !

I love being his one and only. He stays true and the big thing effecting my love is how much pain he goes through getting clean. He's different. He's my companion in a suck-fest world. We walk hand and hand and face the world. Love is too great, lets lay on the ground,,, it does us good to be cenetered. I feel so fantastic to have so much but maybe Im becoming too depedant. Who knows! I gave me life away!



Mood: loved 		 
 

(Rebel)


 
  2007.12.02  00.24
you make this all go away, I just want something I can never have

I realize that I have very horrible expectations right now
ITS MAANIA
okay os i talked to everyone on my missed calls list cause um wel ichad im too cuekd up to type

  
 

(Rebel)


 
  2007.10.28  23.02


Updates
well my life is going okay. I suppose. I am having mood issues, and I'm having esteem problems, but I'm okay.
sigh

I just hate my problems and don't want them to exist but who doesn't?

There were a lot of things really awesome about this weekend, and then there were things that crushed me. I wonder what is normal. I just want someone to talk to and I feel lonely a lot, cause I feel like all the things I say fall on deaf ears, and people don't listen, though they say the do.

  
 

(4 purtians |Rebel)


 
  2007.05.16  11.31
Why I hate myself.

Because. I should. I wrote some dumb ass shit in this dumb ass livejournal and so now I'm really paying for it.
Why you ask?
Because Brian read it.
He got a girlfriend and because he read my livejournal he thought I'd be okay because in this gay ass thing I said that I don't know if I love him now.
Well I do.
And now I spend my days crying in my shower. I can't sleep. Last "night" I went to bed a 7am and I woke up at 9. No exaggeration. I can't sleep. I don't even want to think of that girl because all I will do is compare myself to her and use her as a tool to make myself feel even more shitty.
I had to tell Brian I never wanted to see him again.
Because
He slept with me right before he got this girl.
And I feel so stupid.
I knew before we started screwing again, that it wouldn't work out this way.
"Why by the cow when you can get the god damned milk for free."
Nothing but your common whore. Or atleast that's how I feel. But you see, I don't even get to be a real whore. Because atleast if I was a whore, I wouldn't have 8 dollars in my bank account because a binge spend when I'm manic.
My car is trashed.
My love life sucks.
I can't take my meds because I developed a twitch from them.
I'm completely miserable.
My dad has cancer.
I'm not going to see the person I love the most in the shitty ass world for about oh I give it 4 or 5 years.
All I'm holding on to is my dream to be a psychiatrist. If I didn't think I would eventually come out on top, I would have brought a gun to walmart and shot myself right in the middle of subway. And don't think it didn't cross my mind, because it did. So much so that I had to fight it.
I fucking hate feeling this way.
I knew this would happen! Why was I SO STUPID.
because I always do that. I always go against my instincts and do whatever anyway.
Like having sex with Brent. I knew I shouldn't do that. That's why I made him promise he wouldn't try to get me to.
oh oh oh
but
you can't
trust
a man. in that regard.
I couldn't even trust the man I loved enough to listen to myself. NO I'm NOT saying that he FORCED ANYTHING ON ME. I am saying that I didn't trust that he actually cared about me at all, so I started having sex to satisfy my perverse need for the only way I know how to be loved.
The only thing good in my life is that I can declare myself disabled for a year and get government money so I don't have to work.
Go bi-polar disorder.
To everyone. NEVER EVER have a FRIEND with BENEFITS. one of you will always care more and that one will end up getting crushed.
Hey! I should have learned that the first time!
Oh but I can't retain information that well.
It's going to be hard to get through med school that way.
I don't even know what I'm doing any more. I am a mess. A complete wreck
SO
to all the ones that hated me,
Congrats because you really have me.



Mood: crushed 		 
 

(2 purtians |Rebel)


 
  2007.04.12  16.57
Klep

Yeah so I'm getting kind of tired of all this and I feel like I want to just sleep through all my days. I practically slept through my therapy. I think the most depressing thing about this day is that Brian told me he would call me and he hasn't yet and since he lives, oh, about 40 mins away, i would be worthless for me to go up there after 7 and it's 5 right now. So.. I guess it's not happening. I've been hallucinating terribly and I don't know what to do. They upped my meds by 40 milligrams.

  
 

(Rebel)


 
  2007.03.27  20.05
Ps.

I'm vegan now.

isn't that dandy?
I love animals. but not humans!

PRO-CHOICE VEGANS UNITE *clap clap*

  
 

(3 purtians |Rebel)


 
  2007.03.21  14.30
This is a great parallel.

Once upon a time, Brittany Watts got a nice amyathest ring for her 16th birthday. Ah but Brittany did not want the ring! So she said, "Oh mother dear, if I had that nice expensive ring, I would lose it!" she told Brittany that she would keep it in her dresser until Brittany thought she wouldn't lose it. Then, Uncle Chuck called Brittany to wish her a happy birthday! and Brittany was excited, when asked what she got for her birthday, she frowned and explained the ring she could not keep for fear of losing it. And he said to her..
"If you cared about it, than you wouldn't lose it."


reminds me a lot of the situation, true story too, jah.


When we love things, we keep them. Some things you lose, and some things you just give away. Parallel




Mood: pessimistic
Music: House of Cards_Madina Lake 		 
 

(7 purtians |Rebel)


 
  2007.03.19  23.40
I'm High

I didn't pay child support cause I got high.




WEll folks, I'm high right now and it is fun. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.... cumm cum cum face.

face made of cum

anyways, i'll try to get back to you latter.


have a sweet deal.

Ask me about my amazing video tape.

  
 

(4 purtians |Rebel)


 
  2007.03.14  14.09
SOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

So... Brent is a big douche bag hahahah let me tell you why. Because he asked for his shit back. WHAT A SCHMOO.. he meant absolutely nothing in what he did and I find that as deceitful and lying as anything bold faced. I really don't care about sending it back, I just care about feeling like I fell into the trap where i thought he cared about me, and really he was just trying to drag me into his pathetic lonely existence because he's too obnoxious to attract anyone.

Anyways. On to more important matters. O Kay, so I don't think I'm in love with Brian, I think I'm just obsessing over the idea of being in love. So I think we should be friends that do it. Because, I want to be friends and I want to do it. be cause he's actually great in le sac, where my other partners SUCKED terribly. He's very aggressive (ah, i like) and very hot (oh I like it more) and has a good you-know-what (what a deal sealer.) and and and, is actually good at the whole fucking general. (oh I think I'm IN LOVE! *swoons*.(that was sarcastic)) I'm sure you wanted to know about that part of my life. I mean, who doesn't?
Anyways. I think the only way it would work with Brian is if we re-fell in love which in all honesty, he is more likely to do than me, because when I am over things I usually am extremely over it. And you see, I was all upset in my shower mooing about this and I thought, a month ago I was OVER IT! So I can't possibly be under it. Ahahaha. Plus, I don't know, I guess that's all.

Lessons learned.

I hate brent and his tiny penis

I am in lust with Brian and I"m fooling myself, but tizah, I've figured it out!

  
 

(1 purtian |Rebel)


 
  2005.08.14  14.51


I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.



I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.



I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.



We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.



I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.



I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away
from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I

wish they could adopt me.



I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me
in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able
to walk again.



I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.



We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.



I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.



I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore,
nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now
live with another woman.



I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow
suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is
also a woman.



I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.



I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.



I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.



I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.



I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much
better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.



I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.



I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.



repost this if you belive homophobia is wrong

  
 

(5 purtians |Rebel)


 
  2005.01.21  23.29
bn

fuck life

  
 

(Rebel)


 
  2004.12.29  18.52
New Journal.

Friends only. Comment to get added deary.

If you are a friend, then sign in.

  
 

(11 purtians |Rebel)



[ You Make This All Go Away ]

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